


Bad Advice

by HarveyDangerfield



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Apologies, Developing Relationship, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, Mental Health Issues, Musicals, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Public Humiliation, Recovery, Relationship Negotiation, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 10:51:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21427030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarveyDangerfield/pseuds/HarveyDangerfield
Summary: More than anything in the world, Jasper wants Lapis back, and she'll do anything and take advice from anyone to do it-- even if the advice is all pretty bad.
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place post-show canon, but before the movie
> 
> if you hate jaspis you probably shouldn't be here
> 
> in this house we love and respect jasper

Pride has always been a constant theme in Jasper's life. Pride in herself, pride in her work, pride in her loyalty, proud of her Diamond and her service to her. Her pride has always kept her honest, straight-forward and hardworking, and it's inspired pride in countless others who followed her example in and after the war. 

She'd been lauded as one of the greats back on Homeworld, after the war. She'd never been able to face off with Rose Quartz personally, but she had one of the highest shattercounts on all of homeworld after the war, behind only two other gems-- one of which had been a fusion of three topazes, so it hardly counted. And damn it, she'd been _proud_ of that bodycount, proud of that number she carried on her shoulders like a trophy for thousands of years. The Jasper who'd shattered more than 200 crystal gems.

Finding out that every part of her pride had been based on a lie since the moment she came out of the ground had been... challenging.The worst part about losing one's pride is the sheer drop into nothingness that comes after. 

Pink Diamond, _her_ Diamond is still alive-- kind of. And Jasper had tried to _kill_ her-- or is it him? It's a lot to adjust to so quickly. Did that make _her_ a traitor? Did _she_ deserve to be shattered? How many gems had she killed, thinking she was avenging the life of the very person who was leading that same army into her very hands to be shattered? The circular spiral of constantly shifting guilt and blame is too much for a gem like her to process. A gem who had never so much as questioned a word that homeworld ever uttered-- suddenly thrust into this reality where she'd been fabricated from nothingness to fight for a woman who threw her and every one of her court away on a whim to protect a planet that would have been fine from the start if she'd never selfishly demanded it in the first place. 

All of the uncorrupted are given the opportunity to return to homeworld on the Diamond ship with them, and Jasper had seriously considered it. But she ultimately decided to stay behind, for two reasons. One, she couldn't envision a life for herself on homeworld anymore. What would she do, go back to being a soldier? For who? For _what?_ Her will to fight had been sucked out of her the day that she was corrupted, and Steven-- Rose Quartz-- _Pink Diamond_ tried to save her despite how far Jasper had gone out of her own way to hurt him and all his friends. She didn't even know what homeworld would do with her at this point, and she doesn't want to meet any more gems who still cling to the misguided belief that the 200+ shattered gems she now pulls behind her like an iron ball chained to her foot is still a trophy. 

And two, Lapis. 

Jasper doesn't exactly know what love is supposed to feel like, but she googled the word on Steven's cell phone, and it said "an intense feeling of deep affection" and "a great interest and pleasure in something." And after subsequently googling affection and finding it to mean "a gentle feeling of fondness" she's come to the conclusion that the feelings and thoughts she's been having about Lapis since the day they split up have been none other than love. Love is a tricky subject on homeworld-- you're supposed to love your Diamond, but that's about it. To love another individual person is tantamount to treason, it's making a statement that you value some lowly gem over your own diamond, over your own purpose. If your eyes have strayed far enough away from your duty to fall in love with another gem, then you're decommissioned, replaced, and reset with a rejuvenator. 

Which means Jasper was a failure to homeworld nearly from the start. Ever since fusing with Lapis and finding herself in her competent control, her thoughts that been consumed with nothing but the water gem. Consumed with a desperation to be with her again, or at least be _near_ her again, to bask in her power, to feel the way she felt when they were together. Being a failure is overwhelming for an extreme loyalist like her to even consider, but the sting of defeat would be so much easier to tolerate if she could be with Lapis. Lapis told her that day on the boat that she didn't want to feel like that anymore... but that was a while ago. Maybe things have changed. 

Still, she has no idea how to go about interacting with her. She's afraid to be rejected again, unsure of how to even have a normal conversation with someone, and worst of all, completely underdressed. There's one person in the universe she knows who knows a thing or two about stylish confident presentation, and so she leaves the little cave on the beach she's been spending most of her time sulking in since she was restored in the Diamond pool, and makes her way up the beach to the temple to pound on the front door. 

"Amethyst! I need to talk to Amethyst! Your pitiful mesh door is no match for my power, Universe, present me with Amethyst or I'll rip it off the hinges!"

The door opens and Amethyst looks up at Jasper, mostly unimpressed and even a little amused by the larger gem’s aggressive pounding on the light screen door. “Yo dude, no need to shout down the whole temple. Come on in,” she says, waving the larger quartz warrior inside.

She doesn’t wait for a reply, just turns her back and heads into the living room, throwing herself onto the couch and grabbing a slice of pizza out of the box that’s sitting on the coffee table, shoving half of it into her mouth while she waits for Jasper to take a seat. 

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t surprised to see Jasper. No one had seen much of the warrior since the diamonds had come and uncorrupted all the bubbled gems. Amethyst sometimes forgot she’d even stayed on earth, only remembering when she passed by her cave now and then. She’d thought about stopping by, asking her to spar or offering to show her all the cool places around town but had decided against it. Better to let Jasper adjust to life on earth at her own pace. All the gems were taking things at their own speed, and things were especially hard on those who had fought in the war. She figured she’d come out when she was ready. Hadn’t figured on her threatening to blow their house down like the big bad wolf but Jasper had always had a flare for the dramatic. 

“So what’s got your panties in a twist huh?” She asks finally, mouth still half full of partially chewed pizza.

"I don't _have_ panties," Jasper says, her tone still aggressive as she stands on the other side of the coffee table with her arms crossed over her chest. Amethyst just raises a brow at her, and she drops some of the bravado with a sigh, her arms falling to her sides as she takes a seat on the other end of the couch, her knees bent comically high up to compensate for the low stature of the cushion. "I need... your help. There's something I need to do and I don't know how."

Amethyst sighs, already sensing this is going to be a lot less fun than she hoped and is going to require her to be serious and mature and all that boring stuff. She grabs another slice of pizza and holds out for Jasper. “Well you came to the right place. Apparently I’m the mature one now or whatever. So, shoot. Lay it on me. What’s the deal?”

Jasper reaches out to take the slice of pizza, and then proceeds to hold it in both hands like a piece of paper. She has no idea what pizza is. 

"It's Lapis Lazuli," she says, chewing on her words hesitantly for a moment before she growls out, "I want to be with her again. I... miss her. But I don't know how to get her back. I tried once before and she turned me down but I want to try again, I have to do better."

“Oh yeah I heard about that. On the boat right?” Amethyst asks. She isn’t really surprised. Given how long the two had been fused it’d be more surprising if Jasper didn’t have some kind of feelings for Lapis, positive or negative. She had to have some thoughts about her, and not wanting to kick her ass was way better for everyone because the last thing the town needed right now was that showdown just as things were finally starting to settle down for once. 

“Dude, your problem is that Lapis is a classy gem and way flighty, and you come across all head strong. You gotta play it cool,” Amethyst says, leaning back on the sofa, bending an arm behind her head and crossing her legs to show just how cool and relaxed she is. “You know, be chill around her. Act like you’re like, barely interested so you don’t scare her off. If you go for that direct approach, just barreling in like you did before you’ll scare her.”

"Be... chill?" Jasper gestures at Amethyst with the pizza like a teacher with a ruler, dropping loose cheese and toppings on the floor in the process. "I'll have you know I'm _VERY_ chill!"

"Like ten times more chill than that, dude. At least," Amethyst warns. "Lapis is not going to sit there and let you shout at her man, she'll just fly away and you'll lose your chance. Best thing to do is act like you barely even remember who she is."

"But... that doesn't make sense," Jasper says, gripping the pizza slice in one hand now, like one might hold a bottle. "I want her to know that I miss her. How am I supposed to let her know how much I miss her and want her back if I act like I don't know her?"

"You have to let her get comfortable with you first. Ease into it," Amethyst explains. "Don't seem too over eager or pushy, she'll hate that. Just play it cool and casual and it'll come naturally."

"Casual," Jasper repeats, and finally seems to find some measure of confidence in the idea. "I can be casual. I can be cool. Just like Lapis. She's casual and cool all the time. Should I just-- march up to her? No, no. What's a cool way to approach someone? Skiis?"

"No," Amethyst shakes her head. "We need to find you like, a place you'll both be at that seems like its totally on accident. Like you didn't go there looking for her. And then just play it cool, its all just whatever, you're there, she's there, so what?" 

Amethyst thinks about it for a second before she smiles and snaps her fingers. "Lapis is doing a lot with the little homeworld project right? Maybe volunteer? Work in the same area as her, but like totally casual, show off how much you've got going on without her so you don't seem super needy."

"Yeah. Yeah! Okay," Jasper stands up off the couch, sounding confident. "Yeah, I can do that. That's really good advice, actually. Uh, here's your thing back," she says, holding out her hand and dropping the now bare pizza crust back into Amethyst's hand, before jogging out the door without so much as a thank you. 

"Yeah, you're WELCOME!" Amethyst shouts after her, but it falls on deaf ears as Jasper runs up the beach and across the city to get to the patch of land where Little Homeworld is being built. They haven't made much progress yet, mostly just plots have been laid out and finalized while construction on the wall surrounding the area has been properly undertaken. 

At the helm of the project, Jasper turns to Bismuth first, who points her in the right direction. At this point it's a lot of moving earth to make room for solid building foundations, mixing up concrete and moving heavy stone slabs, all of which a gem like Jasper is perfect for. 

She doesn't run into Lapis right away, but she finds herself actually enjoying the work. It gives her something to do, and it's definitely preferable to just pouting in her cave all day every day, so even though she'd come out here to hopefully find Lapis, a week of fulfilling work dulls the ache of missing her. To her surprise, she finds gems fusing right and left to make certain tasks easier, using their larger forms to move heavy rocks or prevent scaffolding from toppling, sometimes combining five or six different gems at a time to get the job done. She still has complicated feelings about fusion, but seeing it done so casually between friends is... something. She's not sure yet if it's a good something, but it at least doesn't feel like a bad something anymore.

It isn't until a solid eight days later that Jasper runs into Lapis-- by very nearly _running into her_. She's transporting a heavy wheelbarrow backwards, as it's just too heavy to push forward across grass, and nearly walks directly backwards into the water gem, who is carefully placing the roof on one of the first completed buildings with a large hand made of water, very nearly causing her to drop and ruin the whole thing. 

"Lapis! Uh-- I mean-- hey," Jasper says, dropping the wheelbarrow and turning around with a grimace. 

“Hey,” Lapis says, taking a few cautious steps back until she’s out of Jasper’s immediate reach, as if she expects the larger gem to reach out and grab her at any second, like the last time they interacted. The watery hand holding the roof trembles just a little but these are the only immediate outward signs of any distress. She seems more cautious than afraid of Jasper, possibly because of the many gems surrounding them who would come to her aid if something were to happen. Or maybe because after facing down a Diamond, Jasper just doesn’t seem so scary anymore. Either way, she isn’t immediately running which has to be a good sign.

Jasper has to resist the urge to say hey again as Lapis carefully lowers the roof down towards the building again. The window of opportunity for Jasper to still seem cool is swiftly closing into awkward territory, so Jasper says the first chill thing that comes to her mind. 

"So... pants now, huh?"

Lapis raises an eyebrow before glancing down at her loose billowing pants and giving a half-hearted one shoulder shrug. "Yeah. Horns now?" She asks in reply.

Jasper glances up to where the very tips of those teal horns are visible in her peripheries, and she huffs something approaching a laugh, and might have actually seemed like one if she'd smiled at all to go with it. Instead she just shrugs in return, mimicking Lapis' gesture. 

"Yeah," she says, trying to sound casual. "I was corrupted. Spent some time in a bubble. I guess I can kinda relate to your mirror thing, now."

Lapis' expression turns storm and she turns her back on Jasper to face the building she had been working on, dropping the roof a little more harshly than necessary. "Right. Little time in a bubble. Thousands of years in a mirror. Definitely the same thing."

Jasper grimaces and tries to play it cool, like Amethyst would. "I'm not saying it's the same, just-- I can relate now. I get it. Anyway-- we're both working on Little Homeworld now, yeah? I guess we're coworkers now. We'll get to see more of each other."

"Yeah, I guess." Lapis doesn't turn around and her tone is decidedly cold. "It's a big project, lots of gems to **work** with." She puts a little emphasis on the word work, like she really means something else but doesn't want to say it.

"Yeah," Jasper can feel her confidence swiftly flagging, Lapis' cool rejection quickly getting to her. What would Amethyst do? Be cool, she reminds herself, and tries to inject confidence back into her voice. "Yeah, that's cool. Me too. Lots of gems. Uh, friends, to work with. On this project. Like... Bismuth." She finds herself struggling to name even one other gem, and the shame gets to her. She really has just hidden in a cave this whole time, hasn't she?

"Yeah. Like Bismuth." Lapis says, rolling her eyes. Of course Jasper would pick one of the biggest, toughest gems there. She probably hasn't bothered to talk to anyone else. "There's a lot of work to do. I should go," she says, watery wings forming at her back but not yet taking off from the ground.

"Uh-- yeah. I should too. Gotta finish my shift so I can go back home to my cave. It's really cool by the way, if you ever want to see it. I have a couch in there that I stole from the dump," Jasper says, her confidence flagging once more.

Lapis glances over her shoulder at her again, eyebrow raised in what could be curiosity or confusion, its hard to say. She doesn't respond though, just looks at Jasper for a long moment before lifting into the air and flying off in the direction of the main workshop where Bismuth and Peridot are usually hard at work designing most of little homeworld's plans.

Jasper kicks a rock that goes sailing across the ground, and has to resist the urge to upturn the wheelbarrow in frustration. This is going to be harder than she thought. 


	2. Chapter 2

One of Steven's favorite little hangout spots is the temple's hand that had fallen off ages ago, sticking up out of the beach. It forms a nice little nook, with just enough shade and a lovely view, perfect for reading or jamming out on his ukelele. With a small picnic in tow and the lyrics for a new song rolling around in his head, he makes his way for the hand with his basket and song book, already humming a few bars of a song as he goes. 

His trek is stopped short when he rounds the back of the hand to find the palm already occupied, by none other than Jasper. He hasn't really seen her since-- jeez, since she nearly attacked him in the Diamond pool. He lost track of her sometime after that, but as long as he wasn't hearing any reports that she was going around trying to make some twisted army again, he figured it wasn't really his business to keep her on a leash. Still, it's startling to just run into someone who held so much aggression for him for so long. 

Jasper seems to be equally surprised by it, her legs dropping down from where she'd been hugging them, her expression both embarrassed and almost afraid. "Rose," she says, and then shakes her head. "Uh-- Steven. Is this your hand?"

"Yeah but I don't mind sharing." He says, going for a cheerful tone, though there's still a hint of nervousness to his voice. Slowly he settles down next to Jasper and begins tuning his ukulele, strumming it a few times to make sure it sounds right before he starts picking out a tune when it seems like Jasper isn't about to leave or chase him away. That has to be improvement right? Maybe they can even bond over the music a little, get to be friends the way he has with some of the other gems. Music has a way of bringing people together after all.

He smiles to himself at that thought and plays through a lively little tune he makes up on the spot, hoping Jasper will like it but when he looks up at her she seems as sullen and unhappy as ever. 

"Is... everything alright?" He asks gently, hoping she won't immediately go on the defensive.

"No! Everything is _not_ alright!" Jasper shouts, and Steven immediately recoils, holding up the ukelele like he means to use it as a shield. Ordinarily, the immediate fear reaction of those close by would please Jasper, but right now it just feels like... she's not quite up to the point of examining her emotions that closely, but it definitely doesn't please her. She sighs angrily, sagging back against the hand. "Everything is not alright," she mutters again, softer, and looks away from Steven, out across the water. 

"Well," Steven says, lowering the ukulele when it seems the danger has passed and she's calmed back down, "Do you wanna talk about it? I can try to help."

Jasper's thigh starts to bounce and she crosses her arms angrily over her chest. Talking about her problems with Amethyst didn't exactly turn out well-- but it wasn't her advice that was bad, it was Jasper's poor execution. Maybe someone else would have advice she could follow more easily. 

"It's... Lapis," she admits in a grunt, her fists clenching. "I've been trying to talk to her again but it hasn't been going well. I want to make her like me, I want to _be_ with her again, but she won't even give me a chance!"

"You mean... like Malachite?" Steven asks nervously, trying to gauge exactly what Jasper is saying. 

"No! Not _Malachite. _I mean if she _wanted_ to I wouldn't mind, but I just--" Jasper throws her hands up, but immediately flags, sagging back against the hand again, and runs her hands through her hair. "I just... want to be with her again. I... miss her."

"OhhhhMYGOSH, you _like_ her!" Steven says, a big smile breaking across his face. "But does she know that you like her, and you don't just want to be malachite again? Because last time was a little scary." He shivers a little, remembering the boat and Jasper coming out of the water, the desperation in her voice and the fear of everyone on board. It had not been a great reunion to say the least.

"I thought it was obvious!" Jasper grunts in frustration. "Why would I _prostrate_ myself like that in front of her if I didn't _like_ her? I _humiliated_ myself for her-- and then I humiliated myself _again_ yesterday trying to follow Amethyst's advice! She told me I should act cool and casual and Lapis just flew away."

"I think you might need to be a little more obvious with Lapis. She's a homeworld gem right? Love and liking people is still kind of a new concept? Being cool and casual is great but it's not going to get the point across," Steven says hesitantly, not wanting to frustrate Jasper even more.

He crosses his legs and sits in silent thought for a moment, strumming away at his ukulele for inspiration, trying to come up with something that might work to get Lapis' attention. Then it hits him and he practically leaps to his feet, grinning broadly from ear to ear.

"I got it!" He shouts. "In all the movies when someone wants to tell someone they love them, especially after a big fight, they make a big public declaration! And what's bigger than a song! We have a stage and all the speakers and everything, we can set something up in no time!"

Jasper grimaces. "A _song?"_ she repeats, watching Steven's excitement with hesitance. "I don't know about that Ro--P-- uh, Steven. I don' t know how to sing, I've never done it before." 

"I'll teach you!" Steven says, growing more excited by the second. "We can do a duet so it'll be easier, we can write the whole thing together so it'll be perfect! There's no way Lapis won't know you love her!"

Jasper still looks hesitant, but Steven sure does sound sure of himself. "Are you sure? Has this actually worked before?" she asks, watching him bounce animatedly in the sand. 

"It works in all the movies!" Is Steven's only actual response to that. "And my mom and dad fell in love over music. It should work-- no, it _has to_ work! And it will, we just have to make it perfect. Come on-- I'll show you. Let's watch 10 Things I Hate About You!"

"That doesn't sound like a love story," Jasper protests, but Steven is already tugging her up by the hand and leading her back to his house, his picnic forgotten. 

There isn't much room in Steven's little loft, but he doesn't seem shy about being close to Jasper now that he's sure she isn't about to tear him apart, and though Pearl seems very nervous when she comes through the temple later and finds them sitting on his bed together watching a movie, Jasper finds herself... enjoying the closeness. She's never really just sat down somewhere for two hours in close proximity to another person before. It's nice. 

Actually getting the whole thing set up with Steven is another matter. It takes them a couple days to write the lyrics, but Jasper insists on being a part of the process. After all, she can't just rely on Steven to write all the lyrics for her-- what if by some grace this _does_ end up working, but then she has to admit to Lapis that she didn't even write the song? Her lyrics aren't amazing, but for someone's first song it could be worse. 

Steven goes all out, managing to rope several townspeople into the performance, and even does a full recording of the music for the song in garage band to blast through speakers. He wanted to involve gems, but Jasper insisted that if she's going to go through with this, she'd at least like to be able to keep working on the Little Homeworld project when she's done whether it works or not, and she'd prefer not to be a laughing stock either way among her own kind. 

Steven does insist they at least dress for the occasion and convinces Jasper to come with him to buy a suit, something fancy to show Lapis she really means business and wants this to be special. It does look pretty good at least, there's no denying that.

The day of the performance finally arrives and Steven is the one to invite Lapis to come see the show, wanting Jasper's involvement to be a surprise and both of them knowing she's unlikely to show up if she knew the soldier would be there. At dusk the stage is set on the beach in front of the temple and Lapis flies down from little homeworld to take her place in the 'audience', ready for the show to begin.

Jasper is more than a little nervous, but her previous rehearsals with Steven felt almost like military training, so when the music begins, she finds it easy to just follow the motions from practice and get into the swing of the performance. She finds it easier to just not look at Lapis all that much, but she does catch glimpses of her surprised expression every few moments as the audience gets up and joins in the dance number flashmob style, making it very clear that Lapis is the only one not involved and therefore the only one this performance is really for within moments.

As the music reaches its climax, Jasper falls down on one knee at the edge of the stage with a THUD right in front of Lapis, holding one hand out in her direction with the other poised on her chest, her expression strained but tentatively hopeful as she belts out in her less-than-incredible singing voice, 

"You're an aqueous gem so WAT-ER you waiting for! Just take my hand and sweep us both off the floor-- I can't really fly and I'm kind of scared of heights but you got wings and I've got arms, I'll hold on while you take flight!" 

Steven mimics her pose right beside her, dropping down to his knee beside Jasper and holding his hand out as he accompanies her with his own lyrics. "She doesn't know what she's doing, but she really wants to try and I think it's really sweet that a ground gem wants to fly! Jasper doesn't have a way with words but she's trying to confess, Lapis don't you see she wants a change-- all you have to do is say YEEEEES!"

The rest of the audience all form around her in a circle, gesturing at her with jazz hands as the music finally hits its peak and ends on a big, brassy flourish.

Lapis stares at them with a mix of embarrassment, confusion, and near horror. She stumbles back away from the stage, trying to put some distance between herself and the grinning dancers all staring at her expectantly. The weight of their many gazes is too much, knowing they're all waiting on her to say something, to do something. 

Words catch in her throat and all she wants to do is be anywhere but here and well, that's easy enough to accomplish. Watery wings burst from Lapis' back and there's no hesitating this time before she takes off into the air. She doesn't head for Little Homeworld but flies straight out of the city in the direction of where she dropped the barn instead, where no one will be expecting anything from her.

"Wait, LAPIS!" Steven jumps off the stage and runs after her. He can already guess where she's headed, and he knows he won't be able to keep up with her, so he throws a look back over his shoulder at everyone with a strained smile and two thumbs up. "Good show, everyone! I'll go talk to her!" 

Jasper completely sags and sits on the edge of the stage with her face in her hands. Of course it didn't work-- she humiliated herself a third time for _nothing_. She's starting to lose hope of ever getting through to Lapis.


	3. Chapter 3

If there's one thing Jasper is good at, it's punching things. Really, she should just give up on this whole "love" shit and just go back to punching things. Do people punch things for a living on earth? Surely she could carve a niche for herself deforesting or something. 

It's lucky that gem bodies are solid manifestations of light, or Jasper would have shredded her knuckles into paste ages ago, punching the hell out of this big ass boulder on the beach, a short distance from her cave-- which also happens to be a short distance from Steven's house. Who was she kidding, thinking she could win Lapis back? It's pointless to even try-- she should just give up and leave the country, change her name to something human and try to pass as a backpacker in the alps-- maybe she can rip up people's tree stumps out of their yard for a hobby. 

Garnet, of course, had seen all of this coming. If Jasper or Steven had asked her she could have told them their show wasn't going to go well. Really almost anyone could have. But no one had bothered to ask her, so she'd stayed home and let things take their course. It wasn't really her place to meddle. 

Which she isn't doing now, as she crosses the beach to where Jasper is slowly reducing her boulder to rubble. She doesn't say anything at all, just summons her gauntlets in a silent offer to spar and let the other gem properly work out a little aggression. If Jasper wants to talk, she will and Garnet will listen. But she isn't meddling.

At first Jasper thinks it's a sign of aggression, and she turns to the other gem with a tired, angry expression. "I don't want to fight you," she says, her helmet appearing just a moment later, but Garnet doesn't move towards her, she just punches the rock once, and Jasper gets the message. A friendly workout could do her wonders, right now. 

Steven sees the two of them going at it from his window and comes running out of the house a minute later, begging for them to stop fighting, but Garnet calmly explains that they're just working out-- so he calls Connie to come over and train, too. 

It feels almost like being part of a team, the four of them sparring on the beach. Connie with the new sword Bismuth made her and Steven with his shield, Garnet with her gauntlets and Jasper with her helmet. She doesn't have the vocabulary to describe what she's feeling right now, but if she did, she would call it family.

"Let's take a break," Garnet says after an hours, noticing that Steven and Connie are starting to get a little tired. As usual her tone doesn't allow room for argument, calm but commanding and final in her decision. So they all settle down on the beach, Steven taking a minute to run to the house and get him and Connie some juice boxes while the two large gems settle in the shade of the boulder. 

It's a nice, quiet moment for everyone, a time to catch their breath to the sound of the nearby waves and just enjoy the closeness that comes from engaging in a little friendly combat.

As soon as the contact and activity is over however, Jasper's cleared mind immediately starts to darken with thoughts, and she folds up surprisingly small, hugging her knees and resting her chin on her arms, glaring out at the water like she wants to personally fight the ocean.

Garnet glances over at her and sees the distress clear on her face. She had hoped Jasper would open up on her own but apparently its going to take some more drastic intervention on her part to draw her out of her shell, so she reaches over and places a hand on the quartz's shoulder.

"It's going to be alright," she assures her.

"No it isn't," Jasper says, angrily shrugging the touch off her shoulder. "You don't even know what's wrong. Unless _Rose_\-- augh STEVEN told you."

"I do know. You've been having trouble with Lapis." Garnet says, pulling her hand back. "You want her to know how you feel but have been having trouble getting through to her."

Embarrassed that Garnet saw through her so easily, Jasper nearly gets to her feet and runs, and the only thing that stops her is Steven coming back outside with the juiceboxes for him and Connie. She knows if she ran Steven would just follow after her and she'd have to deal with someone anyway, and she really doesn't want to hear Steven's self-deprecating apologies for why he couldn't salvage things with Lapis for her, as if any part of it was his responsibility anyway. 

"Yeah, well! What do you know, your relationship is perfect," Jasper grunts angrily, turning her face away from Garnet to scowl at the sand.

"Most of the time." Garnet agrees, with a little smile. She looks down at the two gems that form her hands, the two halves of herself and their accompanying rings, and its clear there's something going on inside her head that isn't being shared with the rest of the class but whatever it is, it's good. "It's not always so easy. I've had... rough patches. But I get through them, because like I told you before. I am a conversation. And that is what you and Lapis need."

"Fusion is what got us _into_ this mess!" Jasper protests, misinterpreting Garnet's words, and then she sighs, slumping. "How _I_ got us into this mess..."

"Not fusion. A conversation," Garnet clarifies. "You need to talk to her. Not As Amethyst would, or Steven. But yourself."

"Are you nuts?!" Jasper shouts. "I've talked about my feelings TWICE now and I've been spurned, ignored and publicly humiliated in a tuxedo! Talking to _her_ about my feelings can only make things worse, she'll laugh in my face or-- or fly away again."

Garnet looks at her, giving Jasper a moment to calm down, like she's an overexcited child. "Did you talk to her? Really?"

"I tried! When I found her on the boat, I told her how I felt-- how I appreciated her power and I was wrong before, how she opened my eyes and changed me-- changed how I _felt_ about things-- I promised her I would be better, I would be different-- and she said--" Jasper sighs, running her hands through her hair. "She said she never wanted to feel like she felt with me again. She didn't even give me a chance. Talking it out isn't going to work, it just-- it just isn't. She needs to see action, not just words."

"On the boat, you told her you wanted to fuse. You wanted her power. Not a relationship." Garnet tries to remind her, but its clear it isn't getting through to her. 

"It sounds like you're kind of going about this because its what you want," Connie interjects, having been eavesdropping on the conversation from where she and Steven are sitting nearby. "I know I don't know a lot about what's happened between you guys before but, if you're trying to get her attention maybe try doing things she wants to do? Show her you're interested in her rather than trying to make her interested in you?"

Jasper sits up a little straighter at that, her expression growing soft with contemplation. "You know, I... didn't think of that. What should I do? Ask her what she likes to do? I know she likes to fly but I can't do that. She likes-- uhh-- water, that's her whole thing. Swimming? What's that thing called where you fall off a board in the water?"

"Surfing!" Steven says excitedly. 

"Do you think she likes surfing?" Jasper is starting to sound a little hopeful again. If she can connect with Lapis on something they both like, maybe it'll give them an excuse to spend more time together and mend things.

"Why don't you ask her?" Connie suggests. "You can go to her and ask her if she wants to go surfing or swimming or whatever else she likes to do. Get to know her and her interests. That's how Steven and I became friends."

"Hmm," Jasper squints in thought, and then looks Connie up and down. "You're one of the two who fought with me on the beach that day, aren't you? You and Pink Di-- you and Steven fused."

Connie glances over at Steven, a little nervous at having Jasper's attention focused on her so suddenly. But Steven smiles encouragingly and she steels herself, nodding. "Yeah, we fought you as Stevonnie. That's what we're called when we fuse."

"Hm," Jasper grunts, getting to her feet. "You're a good warrior for such a runt," she says, and then starts to make her way down the beach, determined not to give up on Lapis so easily, leaving Connie behind to exhale in relief, and then turn to Steven excitedly to gush about being complimented by a former villain for the first time. 

Jasper has to ask for directions to Lapis' barn, seeing as it's a short ways off from Little Homeworld, but in just one short hour she's made her way from the beach all the way to the barn's property. It looks like a fence has been erected around the area to keep trespassers out, but since the gate is currently open, Jasper feels comfortable walking inside. She's surprised to find a prolific garden of some sort inside the property, and a strange orange sphere comes running up to her making some sort of horrible noise, but it doesn't seem aggressive at least. 

"What the heck are you," she grunts, lifting her foot away from the overexcited gourd. 

"Pumpkin!" Lapis calls from the entrance to the barn, having come out to see what all the noise was about. She hurries over to the pair and hoists the barking vegetable into her arms before Jasper can stomp down on her, holding her protectively close to her chest. "She's ours, don't touch her!" 

"I wasn't gonna--" Jasper grunts, and then sighs. She doesn't want to start off getting defensive right away.

Lapis turns around and sets Pumpkin down, urging her to hurry back inside the barn before she turns to face Jasper, arms crossed and already looking annoyed. "What are you doing here?"

"I uh-- I came to talk to you," Jasper says, trying to sound confident. "To ask if you wanted to... do something together."

Lapis raises an eyebrow. She doesn't look immediately put off by the idea, maybe a little incredulous but also a little curious. "Like what?"

Jasper feels a strange clenching in her chest. She honestly didn't think she would get this far, and it's both terrifying and exciting to have Lapis' unbroken attention for this long. "Whatever you want," she settles on, trying not to sound nervous. "I know you like water and stuff, so-- we could go swimming or something? Have you been to the beach much? It's nice."

"Yeah. I'm not really a fan of deep water or the ocean anymore. Especially not with you," Lapis says coolly, eyebrow raising just a little higher in what can only be disbelief over the suggestion.

Jasper grimaces. Of course Lapis wouldn't want to get near water with her, they spent months together at the bottom of the ocean, an experience Lapis seemed to enjoy _far_ less than Jasper. She feels her face burn with shame.

"Oh, right," she clears her throat, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Well-- is there anything else you like to do?"

Lapis just looks at her for a long moment. It's obvious that Jasper is trying. Has been trying for weeks now to do...something. She isn't sure what, exactly, but she hasn't been begging on her knees to fuse again so that's a start at least. And this latest attempt is certainly less embarrassing and weird than the others. 

She sighs and decides to throw her a bone. "I like Camp Pining Hears. Do you want to watch an episode with me?"

Jasper has _no idea_ what "Camp Pining Hearts" is, but the fact that Lapis is offering to do anything with her is an enormous relief. She would have agreed to sliding down a razor blade into a bath tub of gin if that's what Lapis said was her hobby. 

But before she can agree, they both hear a shrill shout from the balcony of the barn behind them, and look up to see Peridot hanging out of the truck in the front of the building. "HEY!" she shouts, waving her hands over her head. "THAT'S MINE AND LAPIS'S FANDOM! GET YOUR OWN!"

“Oh.” Lapis glances up at where Peridot is glaring down at them for a moment before turning her attention back to Jasper. “Peridot says no,” she repeats with a half hearted shrug. “Sorry.” 

Jasper honestly wants to throw something at Peridot she's so frustrated, and her anger only intensifies when she looks up to see Peridot yanking her eyelid down at her, sticking her tongue out meanly. Jasper's fists clench and she waves a hand agressively at the green gem, but otherwise doesn't seem to have any fight in her. 

"Fine! Fine. Enjoy your Pining Camps together. I'm leaving," feeling her face burn with the sting of yet another rejection, she turns away and marches out of the barn property, her hair billowing behind her like a physical barrier between her and Lapis.

Lapis watches her go, keeps watching until Jasper is almost entirely out of sight, feeling an odd heaviness in her chest as she watches her walk away. As if she feels bad for making her leave. With a small huff she shakes her head and goes back into the barn, trying to put the feeling and Jasper out of her mind.

She climbs into the loft and through the hole into their truck beside Peridot, who is gleefully starting up the next episode of season 4 of CPH. "Oh man, this is the episode where Pierre DOMINATES the three-legged race, it's my favorite!" 

"Yeah," Lapis murmurs as she settles down beside Peridot, but she can't help but glance over the top of the television, where Jasper's dandelion poof of white hair is just barely visible cresting the hill in the distance. 

"You're still upset," Peridot says-- it isn't a stretch for her to figure it out. She sits more upright, causing Lapis to also adjust away from where she'd been leaning on the smaller gem. "Why should you be upset about _her?_ You're _better_ than her! Who needs a broken, mean old gem like her, anyway, when you've got a far superior companion in me?"

“A broken, mean old gem huh?” Lapis repeats softly. Part of her wants to agree, to take Peridot’s words to heart and let that be that. Just put Jasper out of her mind for good and be done with her once and for all, but something about that doesn’t sit right. Especially not when she says it like that.

“_I’m_ a broken, mean old gem and you gave _me_ a chance,” she reminds Peridot. She stands up in the truckbed, getting louder she goes on, growing more frustrated by the word. “And I’m even _worse_ than Jasper! I’m even meaner and more broken than she is. I won’t even _listen_ to her!”

"W-- what? No! You misunderstand, you see, I was paying you a compliment," Peridot says nervously.

Lapis goes still, her wings sprouting from her back, “I have to go. We’ll watch that episode later.” She says before taking off in the direction she’d seen Jasper heading.

"Wait, Lapis!" Peridot shouts, but her words are ignored as Lapis soars away from the barn.

At this time of year, it's easy to pick Jasper out of the countryside even from the sky, a shock of white among the green grass. And as Lapis swoops lower, she feels a strange, queasy plunge in her chest when the details of the soldier comes into focus and she realizes Jasper is just kneeling down, sitting on her own feet in the empty stretch of field between the barn and Little Homeworld, like her knees gave out and she just collapsed on the spot.

"Stupid, stupid," she hears Jasper muttering under her breath as she lands soundlessly in the grass a few feet behind her.

“Hey,” Lapis says just loudly enough to get her attention, not wanting to spook her. She takes a few steps closer, slowly like one would approach an animal that might turn out to not be friendly.

Jasper whips around, staring wide-eyed at Lapis and scrambles up to her feet in the grass, immediately uncomfortable with the idea of being physically beneath someone who doesn't like her. Staggering upright, she takes in a few hurried breaths, but can't seem to summon words. For once in her life, she's speechless. Lapis coming after _her_ was not something she anticipated.

Luckily, Lapis breaks the tension with a soft shrug. “Sorry about that. I didn’t know Peridot was going to get so territorial.” She tries to smile, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

"It's-- fine. It's whatever," Jasper grunts, her hands balling into fists at her side. "I don't even know what a camp pretty-hearts is, anyway."

“Camp- never mind,” Lapis lets it go. There’s no point correcting Jasper and it’s hardly important right now anyway. “You probably wouldn’t have liked it anyway.”

She’s quiet for a minute, unsure where to go from here and just letting the silence settle between them while she tries to figure out what her next move should be. She hadn’t really thought ahead beyond following Jasper out here and now that she has, she’s kind of lost. 

“Do you want to go for a walk?” She suggests finally, just to have somewhere to start.

Jasper frowns, looking Lapis up and down like she doesn't believe her offer. "You want to go for a walk with _me?"_

“You don’t have to,” Lapis huffs, already starting to turn away. “It was just an offer. Never mind.”

"No- no," Jasper holds her hands up to stop Lapis from retreating. "I want to, I just-- I want to. Let's walk." 

Lapis falls in stride beside Jasper and they walk through the field away from the barn, eventually finding the path that leads to Little Homeworld. It takes them around the outskirts and out towards the trees, and the longer they walk, the more Jasper finds herself calming down. She realizes she's never just taken a walk for the sake of it, and just being outside and moving around feels... nice. She hasn't even dared to examine how walking with Lapis is making her feel. 

It's been so long in silence by the time they're winding down towards the beach that Jasper is almost afraid to break the silence, but knowing the water is coming up soon-- and not just that, but the very stretch of beach where they first fused-- she has to say _something_. But what can she say? I'm sorry? I miss you? Please take me back? She tried all that once before.

So instead she just says, "I think we need to talk."

Lapis nods, not trusting her voice just yet. That old panic is welling up inside her, tightening her throat and making her hands shake and her whole body thrum and tremble with the urge to run. To just be anywhere but here, especially with Jasper. But she’s gotten better about handling that response now and she manages to push it away, to remember she’s safe.

“Yeah. I think so too,” she says, stopping on the sand a fair distance from the water. “I know you’ve been trying to get my attention for the past few weeks. I just don’t know why.”

The idea of opening up to her again has Jasper's chest seizing with a feeling she doesn't have a word for, like a gentle, worried fear. She's not sure how many rejections in a row she can take, but she finally has Lapis' undivided attention, so she takes a deep breath in. 

"Because I miss you," she says earnestly, her voice gruff but her expression uncertain. "And I want you back."

Lapis flinches back away from her, fear flashing across her face. “I told you I’m not- I’m not fusing with you again. And if that’s all you want there’s plenty of gems around here to fuse with. Powerful ones too.” She crosses her arms over her chest, hunching in on herself. “I should have known that’s what this was about.”

"This isn't about Malachite," Jasper says, sounding frustrated. "I miss _you_. I miss... the way you made me _feel_."

“How I made you _feel?”_ Lapis asks, disbelieving. “Last time you asked to get back together you called me a monster.”

"Yeah!" Jasper gestures excitedly. "That was a _compliment!_ Maybe-- maybe it didn't seem like that because you've been away from homeworld for so long, but-- that wasn't an insult, Lapis. Far from it, I was trying to tell you how much I respect and admire you. And you threw me off the boat."

“Really?” Lapis says, her posture finally relaxing a little. Her arms drop to her sides and she stands up a little straighter to look up at Jasper. “You really admire me? Even after everything I did?”

"I admire you _because_ of everything you did," Jasper says, sounding... strange. Her voice sounds strained, and almost sad in a way Lapis can't put her finger on. "Ever since I was made, no one single person has been strong enough to beat me, to make me feel-- small. Since the day I came out of the ground, everyone expected so much of me. I was the _perfect_ quartz soldier, I was unstoppable, and everyone around me expected me to keep that up for thousands of years, even after the war, I--" 

She stops, realizing how close she was getting to some personal baggage that she hasn't even fully processed herself, and Lapis detects just the smallest hint of fear in her expression, a mirror to expressions she's worn herself in the past. Jasper's expression hardens as she looks down at the sand, and the wind blows between them, scattering her hair over her face like a curtain. 

"There aren't any other gems like me, Lapis," she mutters, her voice rough and gritty. "I was _made_ to kill my own kind."

"I....missed you too," Lapis admits softly. If Jasper can be this vulnerable, can open up this much and show this much of herself to Lapis then Lapis can do the same for her, and that starts with admitting this basic truth. 

She can't look at Jasper when she says it, feeling too vulnerable and exposed to look the other gem in the eyes. But Jasper had been so honest with her and it feels good to finally say it out loud and get it all out in the open so she keeps going. "I knew I shouldn't but I did. I missed some parts of how you made me feel too. For thousands of years I was weak and trapped and helpless and being with you I was... powerful, I guess. I felt strong, for once. And I missed that. I still do, sometimes."

If Jasper had a heart, it would be pounding. As it is, she just feels her whole form clench up and almost ache with validation. 

"You made me feel so small," Jasper says, but it doesn't sound like a complaint-- the tone of her voice carries a kind of soft, respectful reverence with it. "I've never felt _small_ before, nobody's ever been able to break me down like that. And being broken by you-- it made me look at myself in a way I've never _had to_ before. I've never had to question my strength and what it means to me, what my very existence means and what I want to do with myself, not until I met you. Being driven down to my knees by a single gem put... a lot of things into perspective for me. On homeworld I was a walking trophy, exonerated of my crimes of shattering hundreds of our kind, foolishly avenging a life that never actually ended, led to believe I was a war hero. But with you..."

She drops to her knees in the sand in the same way she did on the boat months ago, but this time she doesn't touch Lapis, she just spreads her hands in the grains and looks at the gem's small blue feet. "With you I was just... Jasper. Nothing but Jasper. I've never been just Jasper before-- I want that back."

"I understand. But I told you before, what we had wasn't healthy." Lapis lifts a hand and stops, her fingers hovering in the air for a moment before she takes the risk and lays her hand on Jasper's shoulder. 

It's the first time she's ever initiated contact with the other gem that she can remember. She'd offered her her hand to dance when they had formed Malachite, but she'd never been the one to actually reach out and touch first. Beneath her palm she can feel how solid and strong Jasper is, even if her body is only a projection of light she's everything a gem warrior is supposed to be. But somehow here she is on her knees for Lapis. 

"I don't want to take my anger out on you anymore," Lapis continues. "It wasn't right. But maybe there's a way we can do this that is better than that?"

"I don't mind if you take your anger out on me," Jasper says, looking up quickly. "I can take it! It's okay, I _want_ it. You don't have to go easy on me."

Lapis blinks down at her a few times as realization starts to dawn. "You _want_ it? You _want_ me to be cruel to you?"

"Yes!" Jasper reaches up to take that small hand from her shoulder and hold it in both of hers. "Yes, I want that. I want you to be mean to me, I want you to grind me down and make me feel small and _worthless_ like before." 

"Are you sure?" Lapis asks, trying to hide the way the possibility excites and terrifies her her. It sends a shiver through her body that can only be from the thrill of what Jasper is offering, the chance to have that control and power again, but she won't do it if she isn't completely sure. There's something about the way Jasper begs to feel worthless that raises some small flags in the back of her mind, but the opportunity to have limitless power over Jasper again makes those flags very easy to ignore.

"Yes! I'm sure," Jasper's hands squeeze around Lapis's. Her face looks desperate, afraid that Lapis will reject her. "Please, Lapis-- I don't want to be alone again. Being beneath you makes me feel so much more like _me_ than I've ever felt before. You make me feel like a person, Lapis, you make me feel like someone who is _capable_ of being hurt, capable of being _beaten_. You make me feel real, please I just-- I want to feel real with you."

Lapis takes a deep breath. Once she agrees to this she knows there's going to be no turning back for either of them. But she also knows she won't want to. So she nods. "Okay. I can do that. I want that too."

Jasper's grip on her hand loosens, and she takes Lapis' other hand in hers instead, holding them looser and with more reverence as she lifts them to press kisses to her knuckles. "Thank you," she whispers, laughing, nearly crying. She has so many emotions rushing through her all at once that it's a little overwhelming to even think about pulling them apart to inspect them more closely-- but she knows that with Lapis she has an outlet to shut off and not think for a while, to just be and be small and insignificant. With Lapis she doesn't have to think about her stature or what she's done, she can just focus on the feeling of being with her, and knowing she has the opportunity to shut off like that makes it so much less intimidating to think about tackling her baggage in small doses. 

"Yeah, um, you're welcome," Lapis says, smiling a little. She isn't sure how she's supposed to react but already she feels something like that old sense of power, just knowing she can reduce Jasper to this. Having this power over such a strong and powerful gem makes her feel more in control and stronger than she's felt since they were fused. She can already tell she's going to like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is more to come in the future, this isn't the end of this story


End file.
